My Next Race

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Eight Essential Running Tips

I like a blog type thing on Facebook called "I <3 to Run". They posted this today & I find it quite humorous.

I have friends who HATE to run and jokingly/lovingly give me crap every time I do a race & I ask them when they're going to do a race with me. I can SO see my friend Brandon using these excuses.

-----Eight Essential Running Tips------

...Trouble is, when a lot of you otherwise sensible readers see how much verve is to be had while running, you are going to try running yourself. So we also feel it is essential that you bear in mind the "Eight essential tips for the beginner":

1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back four fingers of scotch. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.

2. Check your resting pulse. If you can’t find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called "playing doctor" and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.

3. Never run if you are a short person. Short persons are built too close to automobile exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.

4. Always wear - a) a brassier, and b) a jockstrap. (Strike out where inapplicable). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.

5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf putter and rap taunting children smartly across the back of the head with it.

6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say "There, boy down!". If that doesn't work, show him your membership card from the Humane Society.

7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast. If workman from the city come by and paint you green, you may be running too slow.

8. After running, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can't find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape.

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